Good Morning All! I know you must have all tossed and turned all night thinking about my date- well the wait is over…here it goes.
Scott text me yesterday and said “meet me at CRU- 7:00. I will be wearing a button down and slacks.” My first thought was oh lord I wanted my FIRST Match date to take place somewhere fancy like Nick and Sam’s but then I decided to stop being a snob and after looking at the online dinner menu I convinced myself (Susan and Jennifer helped too) that CRU was great and I would order the scallops. Moving on. So after work I stop by the Bank to get some cash, just to be safe of course- then I headed home to transform myself into a perfectly polished match date. When I got home I jumped in the shower and then poured myself a glass of wine and had a bit of cheese and crackers. While I was getting ready I thought “this is so fun!” I had no idea it was going to be the best part of my night.
Okay so 7:15 I call a cab (I didn’t want to drive due to the rain and parking) and headed to CRU. When I arrive I see a man sitting in the corner with wet hair- this is my date. I walk up to him already disappointed but decide to make the most of it. He looked much older than the pics and I started to feel like I was on a date with my Dad. Nobody wants to sleep with their Dad. Okay back to the wet hair- I sat across the table as he nervously gulped water(which annoyed me) and started to examine the hair. Was it wet due to hair gel? Did he walk to CRU in the rain? Did he just get out of the shower? – I couldn’t figure it out but as my friend Jennifer says you can always fix those things so I decided to move on. So we order the fanciest flights of wine and a truffle pizza. If anyone knows me Truffles and Wine are my two favorite things so I started to perk up. I tried to make the date with my Dad fun so I made him play the game of guess the fruits in the wine, smell the wine, whats your favorite. Blah blah blah- it helped passed the time though. The more flights we had the more fun the date got but I started to get super hungry and was wondering if that bite size truffle pizza that we shared (that he ate most)of was going to be my dinner. Turns out it was but whatever. So two flights in and the 40 year old starts talking about kids, the house he just finished, his fancy wood floors, meeting my Mom and fishing with my Dad, basically he had us married. All the while I’m thinking he is an idiot but I go on nodding my head because I didn’t want to crush his hopes and dreams. Also like I said the fancy wine helped. Oh one other thing that annoyed me is that he didn’t believe that I liked to fish and he thought I put the fishing pick in my profile solely to reel in (no pun intended) more men. That got all over me. More Vino Please! Also, he only talked about himself- which got all over me too but I’m a good listener so whatever. Oh and he kept joking with the waitress about me and us and acting like we were an old married couple and how I’m so particular with my food and on and on and on. I don’t know if he thought he was funny or what but he continued to laugh at his jokes. He clearly had no idea that I was funny and I just got out of a long relationship with a Comedian but whatever. Oh and another thing he said was that he had a treat for me. I was kind of excited thinking he got me a little sessy or something. He finally said look at your phone. I looked and there was a text from him saying I was beautiful and some other bullshit – whatever. So ladies just in case you didn’t know a text now constitutes itself as a Present. I missed the memo- but like Susan says- we all have pretty low standards these days so I just thought whatever and made a mental note- TEXT=GiFT.
Finally, three hours later, I had to go to the bathroom. I fixed my makeup and made a call to Jennifer saying the date was okay and that I might go out on another date with him – if anything for the great wine and a free app. I get out of the bathroom approach the table and I see 2 as in TWO bills. One on my side the others on his. I open the bill and I realize that we were going DUTCH- again I did not get the memo. I literally open the bill, put in around 40 bucks, look at him in disgust, say thanks for playing, bolted in the rain straight towards the Loon where a sea of cabs awaited me. Who knew a beat up yellow mini van would be my night and shining armor. So for the conclusion….
Dad has not stop texting me since. He is going “what the hell happened!” I want to say “what the hell happened is now I can’t pay my light bill and I’m starving and your hideous and your hair is wet and I just wasted 3 hours of my life that I will never get back!!”
So a not so successful date but a pretty good story or at least some good morning entertainment.
Thanks for listening!