Sunday, December 6, 2009

Match Date #2- A is for...

2nd Match Date-Round Two - New boy- here we go. Okay as you all know I had a date with Dad Tuesday that left me broke and standing in the rain but whatever I’m over it. So I decided to pick my self up take out a loan and power through. This is where “Anthony” comes in. I have been talking to “A” for a few weeks now and I had grown to be completely crazy about him! I mean total giddy school girl, butterflies, dreams the whole thing. And yes I am crazy but who cares. Anyways he is super funny(remember I’m funny and dated a clown-so this is important), super successful, and super tall! If anyone knows me they know the last BF aka “Dancing Bear” proclaimed to be 5’10 which means he was really 5’8 but whatever- my point being a Big ol Boy was just what I ordered. So like I said we have been talking and texting and Instant messaging and emailing and on and on and on. Basically we utilized every form of communication possible-the only thing left for us was the Pony Express.

Okay so “A” has been out of town for the Holidays and then away on Business- which is SUPER HOT to me. Why is a man that gets on a plane to work in another location deemed “Hot” to me? Back to what my friend Susan say’s my standards are below the lowest point- but who cares. Moving on- we finally decide we are going to meet and I can’t wait!!! So we text and talk some more and after much deliberation I decide he should just come to my place(since he is a hot traveling business man his flight got in late) and we could hang out and trim my tree. And no not “that” tree my real “fake” pink Christmas tree- of course. Oh and yes I told my neighbor he was coming over just in case he happened to be the next Jeffrey Dahmer- I’m safe. Okay so his fight got in around 9 and he headed straight over. Oh I forgot the preparation part for our first encounter so lets go back. I bought candles(the good Tyler “high maintenance smell kind), some wine and I power cleaned (as if the Pope was coming to bless my hole in the Design District). Side note-when I woke up this morning my whole body felt sore from the intense Swiffering, Mopping, Dusting, Scrubbing, Dog Bathing, Folding, Bleaching, Bed making and dish cleaning-I did before his majesty’s arrival - and yes I did count this as my workout for yesterday but whatever.

So after the “cleaning” I perform my very own ritual- long bath, shave legs, exfoliate, spray tan, blow out hair, paint face all while trying to look like I didn’t get ready because I don’t want to look I tried because we are ONLY hanging out at my house and “trimming my tree”- who does this? Oh wait – I do ! -but who cares I’m nuts! Oh and I forgot to mention that I felt compelled to have some dinner for what I thought would be my Giant Drink of Water so I order a pizza from Sal’s. So yes just in case you are doing the math in the past two days I am out 60 dollars- more loans please!

Finally “A” arrives and upon opening the door I AM SO SO EXCITED only once I swing the door open I AM SO SO DISSAPOINTED. I had no idea I had been talking to a Gentle Giant for two weeks. He looked like a sweet yet large Elf-- big round head, dumb shoes (actually I noticed one of them had a hole at the toe later in the evening but it’s a recession so who cares) and he possessed that innocent I have never been with a girl before look. I was crushed -mainly because I had spent two hours on getting ready to not look ready but that’s my fault so lesson learned. Oh have you ever tried to give a good hug to someone that is 6’3? If you haven’t I advise you carry a small step stool in your purse for the next time- I will. Okay so the pizza is getting cold so I decide we shall dig in. This is when I really knew I didn’t like him because when you like someone you don’t eat pizza like a homeless who hasn’t been fed for days- that’s exactly what I did- super sexy! I’m hot!

Okay so we eat, make small talk and all the while he is sweating. For anyone who knows me I keep my place at a about 67 year round- so its damn near impossible to sweat – so I thought. And when I say sweat I mean sweating like he had gotten off a 12 day bender- but I ignored it and continued to inhale my pizza. Finally we make our way over to the couch- I had no idea what we could do so I decided we could play a game of “lets make fun of people on match”. This went on for about two hours. At one point I tried to hold his hand but I felt like I was tainting the Elf so I pulled away. To make a long story a bit longer- I start yawning he starts yawning I suggest that he can go home and get some rest and he bolted. No hug no nothing- which is good because I still need a step stool. All in all great guy but Mr. “A” is super “ASEXUAL”! For those of you that don’t know what asexual means just ask and I will explain...

So now I am on to the next boy. After last nights bust I decided to wake up early and shop for another- turns out I bought something and we are going to the Melrose Hotel next Thursday. Stay Tuned.

Oh P.S. Gentle Giant just emailed me and said “I didn't mean to leave abruptly! As you saw, I was a little beaten down (I don't think the sickness has left all the way) and I had more work to do, so I thought it best to call it a night. I really enjoyed meeting in person! and neither of us killed the other so it had to have been a success.”

Sounds like men have low standards too- note to self – NOT KILLING SOMEONE=SUCCESS.

Thanks for listening!


Match Date #1- Scott- 40 year old (I'm now thinking he could be a virgin)Sunday, December 6, 2009 9:20 PM

Good Morning All! I know you must have all tossed and turned all night thinking about my date- well the wait is over…here it goes.

Scott text me yesterday and said “meet me at CRU- 7:00. I will be wearing a button down and slacks.” My first thought was oh lord I wanted my FIRST Match date to take place somewhere fancy like Nick and Sam’s but then I decided to stop being a snob and after looking at the online dinner menu I convinced myself (Susan and Jennifer helped too) that CRU was great and I would order the scallops. Moving on. So after work I stop by the Bank to get some cash, just to be safe of course- then I headed home to transform myself into a perfectly polished match date. When I got home I jumped in the shower and then poured myself a glass of wine and had a bit of cheese and crackers. While I was getting ready I thought “this is so fun!” I had no idea it was going to be the best part of my night.

Okay so 7:15 I call a cab (I didn’t want to drive due to the rain and parking) and headed to CRU. When I arrive I see a man sitting in the corner with wet hair- this is my date. I walk up to him already disappointed but decide to make the most of it. He looked much older than the pics and I started to feel like I was on a date with my Dad. Nobody wants to sleep with their Dad. Okay back to the wet hair- I sat across the table as he nervously gulped water(which annoyed me) and started to examine the hair. Was it wet due to hair gel? Did he walk to CRU in the rain? Did he just get out of the shower? – I couldn’t figure it out but as my friend Jennifer says you can always fix those things so I decided to move on. So we order the fanciest flights of wine and a truffle pizza. If anyone knows me Truffles and Wine are my two favorite things so I started to perk up. I tried to make the date with my Dad fun so I made him play the game of guess the fruits in the wine, smell the wine, whats your favorite. Blah blah blah- it helped passed the time though. The more flights we had the more fun the date got but I started to get super hungry and was wondering if that bite size truffle pizza that we shared (that he ate most)of was going to be my dinner. Turns out it was but whatever. So two flights in and the 40 year old starts talking about kids, the house he just finished, his fancy wood floors, meeting my Mom and fishing with my Dad, basically he had us married. All the while I’m thinking he is an idiot but I go on nodding my head because I didn’t want to crush his hopes and dreams. Also like I said the fancy wine helped. Oh one other thing that annoyed me is that he didn’t believe that I liked to fish and he thought I put the fishing pick in my profile solely to reel in (no pun intended) more men. That got all over me. More Vino Please! Also, he only talked about himself- which got all over me too but I’m a good listener so whatever. Oh and he kept joking with the waitress about me and us and acting like we were an old married couple and how I’m so particular with my food and on and on and on. I don’t know if he thought he was funny or what but he continued to laugh at his jokes. He clearly had no idea that I was funny and I just got out of a long relationship with a Comedian but whatever. Oh and another thing he said was that he had a treat for me. I was kind of excited thinking he got me a little sessy or something. He finally said look at your phone. I looked and there was a text from him saying I was beautiful and some other bullshit – whatever. So ladies just in case you didn’t know a text now constitutes itself as a Present. I missed the memo- but like Susan says- we all have pretty low standards these days so I just thought whatever and made a mental note- TEXT=GiFT.

Finally, three hours later, I had to go to the bathroom. I fixed my makeup and made a call to Jennifer saying the date was okay and that I might go out on another date with him – if anything for the great wine and a free app. I get out of the bathroom approach the table and I see 2 as in TWO bills. One on my side the others on his. I open the bill and I realize that we were going DUTCH- again I did not get the memo. I literally open the bill, put in around 40 bucks, look at him in disgust, say thanks for playing, bolted in the rain straight towards the Loon where a sea of cabs awaited me. Who knew a beat up yellow mini van would be my night and shining armor. So for the conclusion….

Dad has not stop texting me since. He is going “what the hell happened!” I want to say “what the hell happened is now I can’t pay my light bill and I’m starving and your hideous and your hair is wet and I just wasted 3 hours of my life that I will never get back!!”

So a not so successful date but a pretty good story or at least some good morning entertainment.

Thanks for listening!